Princess Fiona

Thieves ("shoplifters") come in all shapes and sizes.

One of ours is a squat, square faced blonde nicknamed Princess Fiona (pace). Any hoo, she's a familiar face to most staff even if only as That Blond Kid Who's Been Banned. She's the thief formerly known as That Blond Kid Who Is Only Allowed Into the Store Accompanied By Her Mother.

Then she was caught once too often and had her status upgraded. She couldn't have been more chuffed if we ourselves had slung her in the nick for a good long stretch.

I can with a slightly indecent degree of glee report that Princess Fiona's mother Scarface cornered His Lordship and a couple of mates beneath the canopy at their favoured drinking hole this evening. Much to His Lordship's consternation.

He had a hard job explaining to his mates the fawning attention of Scarface, though one of his mates did already know who she is as the mother of "that short fat blonde hooker who hangs outside the store".

Princess Fiona is thirteen years old. Her mother is a drunk who's been through 12 boyfriends (by her own admission) this year.

Where do your sympathies lie?