Diary of Yoda

06:00 am oh, my god! oh, my God! We have no staff. I rush about and issue a series of instructions that put everyone else in a flap. Why is that infuriating foreign woman looking still looking calm? Perhaps I have a hair out of place. I go upstairs as we are about to open to check my hair, my lipstick and file a slightly ragged nail.

07:00 am we manage to open thanks to all enormous effort I put in. No one understands how hard I work. I'm sure that foreign woman is laughing at me. The Maltese one will be in later. She loves me. 'He' has left me with several deliveries to manage; I go out and stack kitchen roll to help clear out the warehouse.

07:30 my hiaitus (?) hernia is playing up. I abandon the store and go home to take a tablet.

08:00 some of the staff are cross with me. I think the foreign one is amongst them but she is smiling so I cannot be certain. I don't understand why they are upset with me. My instructions are always crystal clear. I haven't done nothing to upset anyone! I don't know what that kontradictory word I caught the foreign one using means. Perhaps the Fat One knows what she's talking about when she says she needs to bring a dickshunrary. What ever it is one of them seems to be something that makes working with the foreign one easier.

I haven't checked my hair for hours.

We don't have either of the Sue's in. One is falling a part and sucks up to me so that's ok. The other one is Trouble and gives me the shits. I bet she doesnt' really have them; she just wants to get out and do some Christmas shopping.

09:00 oh, my God! The Maltese one is in and I haven't raked over the latest developments in Strictly Come Salvage My Jungle Career yet. That should soak up half an hour; even longer if I attempt to probe her on the question of Secret Santa Presents. That should upset the smug foreign one.

09:30 I have remembered another way of upsetting the foreign one - I have started to enter an order on her computer. I have told her I will be back in a few minutes I just need to check something; I will leave her machine tied up for the rest of the morning. That will free her up to some of the thousand crappy jobs I like to torment her with.

10:30 I must pup upstairs and check my hair, lippy and nails. While I am up there I'll phone mum and have a cup of coffee.

11:30 I don't think that anyone understands how hard I work. That warehouseman is so rude and now he is saying that he will go home at two rather than help with the big lunch-time delivery. Who does he think he is? I'm not interested in his excuses about no longer being warehouseman but head of greengrocery; who does he think he is?

12:00 Victory is mine. I have succeeded in upsetting the foreign one. I don't know how, but I have. I can always tell. She stops smiling. She is so moody! What ever it was that upset her happened while I was discussing with Bolshie Book Worm how she and I operate our British Home Stores store cards and the discounts we receive and the sale they're having today and how long I've had the card and what I did when I didn't get my discount and what they gave me when I complained and what I'm planning to buy when we go shopping this evening and ... excuse me while I draw breath ... and how I use it there and also at loads of other wonderful shops and what I got last year and what I will be buying my gorgeous grand-daughter for her birthday and... oh, is that the time. I've just remembered something very important.

12:30 Only another one and a half hours until my shift finishes. I haven't done my shopping yet. What is it I planned to buy? A yes. Plenty of time to do my shopping before my shift ends and I stop being paid to be here.

13:30 my gorgeous little grand-daughter is in and being pushed about the store by my lovely daughter-in-law. She is the most beautiful baby in the store right now and if I go out and accompany them about the store then lots of people will come up to us and be really nice. We could make that drag out until two when BBW arrives to take over.

14:05 thankfully BBW has arrived on time and for some reason the foreign one has just shot out the office door and gone upstairs. Perhaps she has the shits? The Maltese one isn't back yet, but I'm sure the foreign one will come back down stairs and deal with customer service, the telephones and the inept check-out operators until she gets back from lunch.

What a hectic day I've had. In since 6 in the morning and having to deal with that rude, obstinate man. As BBW says since he's no longer the warehouseman, he's just a general assistant and he has no right to speak to us in that way. The kitchen roll section is looking well stocked which just shows what can be accomplished when you give a section to someone competent and hard working.

In my fantasy the couple who were left standing at the customer service window at ten minutes past two will write to the Manage and complain about service quality and I will be able to point out the Mr Big Swinging Dick that the Foreign One simply walked off without a by-your-leave or making sure someone else would be in the office to deal with such enquiries, clocked out and went home without even saying good-bye.

She really is getting too big for her boots and it is quite outrageous that she is paid as much as a third of the amount I receive for doing all the work what I do and which no one ever gives me credit for.