How not to be a football supporter

I'm a foreigner.

One day soon, should I seek settlement, I shall be obliged to take a test paper to prove that I've a sufficient grasp of the English language and culture, and since I'll be assessed by some oikish graduate in Meeja Studies (or something equally ignoble) from a jumped up poly I'll probably be failed for festooning my textual responses with quirky markings such as the " ' " and the " , " and the " . ", and most of all the unforgivable offence of occasionally combining the vaguely familiar " , " and " . " into the palpably made-up ";". I shall have compounded my offence by doing peculiar things with verbs (the technical term for which is conjugation), and using a illegally high proportion of words comprising three or more syllables.

Oh dear.

But I swear upon my child's life that if the assessor has the temerity to probe my knowledge of English history I shall bore him or her to death (or at least the brink of insanity) with my specialist four hour lecture on precisely why it is a travesty that there is only one full length biography of John of Gaunt in English and precisely why he is deserving of a new treatment and a more prominent place in any analysis of this country's transition from the late medieval to early modern phases in its life.

Don't say you weren't warned, Oik!