That apology, in full

Whoops, I did it this time.

I must admit I thought it odd to see Mrs Batty driving away from the school in her 5-series BMW as I approached the gates on the hoof.

I met up with the Slug and we proceeded in formation to the hall in which the Parent Teacher meetings were being conducted. The offspring accompanied us that far, pointed out her teacher and then scarpered to the IT room.

Mrs Batty might be bonkers but she isn't my daughter's teacher as it happens. Oh dear. Well at least I don't have to tip toe around the bonkers Doris any longer. My daughter's teacher is, as it happens a rather pleasant woman and I'm not just saying that because she said positive things about my darling. She also appeared to be listening to what we had to say and has offered a more extensive meeting after half-term by which time she'll have the results of the tests she's been conducting on the little dears this week.

So grovelling and unreserved apology. Hats off, too.

If I seem good humoured it is because the Slug took itself off to bed early and left me in peace actually to eat something. Also this is another sauce free night, which is three on the trot which is excellent. The same can't be said for him judging by the way he collapsed against the cooker while making his way through the kitchen and up to bed: that was, to my trained eye, a half bottle of Chivas Regal grade lurch.

Except he drinks vodka when he isn't drinking cheap cider, or cheap wine or cheap super brew.

So in honour of a well known label, though not one he frequently squanders money on I shall start to grade his lurches. It could take me some time to accurately calibrate this, bear with me: I'll start by calling this a Full Smirnoff. We shall see where this takes me. But in all likelihood I'll get bored quite quickly and drop the whole idea.

Until then : bottoms up!

My heart was in the right place, my intellectual development is deficient

I wrote this:

And so we say farewell to the Pumas, who should be known as the Jaguars. You honoured us all with your enthusiasm, your skill and your courage. You did yourselves proud and covered yourselves in honour. You represent the future of the game and it is safe in your hands. We look forward to seeing you at the next Rugby World Cup if not in the Quadri-Nations or the Seven Nations in the meantime.

And it came out like this:

Y decimos tan adiós a los pumas, que deben ser conocidos como los jaguars. Usted nos honró todos con su entusiasmo, su habilidad y su valor. Usted se hizo orgulloso y cubierto en honor. Usted representa el futuro del juego y es seguro en sus manos. Miramos adelante a verle la taza siguiente del mundo del rugbi si no en las Quadri-Naciones o las Siete Naciones en entretanto.

Memo to self: must learn Spanish. When I tried 'spirit' rather than 'enthusiasm' I got alcohol, and even I know that isn't right. Heavy sight.

Hate to say it, but I told you so

I speculated here that The Visit probably wouldn't happen (see the ante penultimate paragraph) and guess what ... they didn't turn up.

Children's toys will be returned to the pram shortly, and normal service is expected to resume shortly thereafter.

The Law of Big Numbers

I can do differential calculus, I can solve quadratic equations. So why the hell can I not perform a perfectly simple calculation in my head?

I've got a day and a half off, not two whole days. I am a blithering fucking idiot.

Something I forgot to mention

I've been accused of flirting with the area manager. He's fat, balding, middle aged and pompous. Perhaps all Area Managers are thus. I've seen no evidence to refute the notion. This accusation gives rise to an intriguing problem. Do my colleagues think so little of me, or are they that stupid? These are people who think I'm frightfully clever because I can turn on the computer with an unfeigned air of insouciance. Possibly they're too stupid to entertain the notion that I might have been having just a little fun at the Fat Area Joke's expense. Oh, and I've already got more than enough fat, balding, middle aged men in my life thank you. At least one too many.