Taking Stock

Any idea how most major business get an annual or biannual stock taken completed? Turf out the staff and all but a skeleton staff, bring in specialists, let them loose, receive their report, pay their invoice, know exactly where you start at the beginning of the new trading period. Simple.

What you don't do is have the staff carry out the stock count, during normal trading hours, while the shop is open for what is notionally business as usual. You have disgruntled staff, disgruntled customers, disgruntled management and an inadequate, inaccurate count. It is simply impossible to get a clear and accurate picture of stock levels if you've got trading going on simultaneously.

Any hoo, it looms. We have a weekend in prospect of doing 1, 2, 3, scribble. Some of the staff will be doing this barefoot, since we don't have enough calculators to go around. No one is supposed to be exempt from count-fest. Even the idiot yard man is expected to be about, even if it is just to show willing, set an example and get under everyone's feet - though I'm being metaphorical here since nobody wants to get within spraying distance of the Village Idiot when he gets himself all excited.

A couple of wastrels have tried to wriggle out of it and had the riot act read to them by the Big Swinging Dick. Formal written warnings will be issued to those who develop funny tummies on the day in question.

Stock levels are allowed to run down somewhat to make things slightly easier for staff, which isn't great for customers. At least this way of doing things is cheap. Then on Monday the Seriously Big Swinging Dicks are paying us a visit so Sunday, while the mopping up work is carried out by senior staff the floor staff will be breaking down and merchandising an stonking great delivery to make the shop that has been allowed to go to pot back up to scratch and then some.

Hoops upon hoops upon hoops. Out of sheer desperation I've bought a ticket in tonight's lottery draw. I don't care what you think of me or what it says about me. If I win a sizeable chunk of that £35million prize I ain't going in.