Fred Dagg, Genius

This post is entirely and unabashedly self-serving. It took me so phugging long to find this text I'm posting it here in the hope that I won't lose it again.

I was prompted to go in search of it by a fellow blogger and fellow strine who is of rather tender years, particularly relative to yours truly. He's just begun the torturous process of off-loading his current abode and has been moved to post a rant on the iniquities of what he refers to as Land Rats. If only he'd read this first, he'd have been spared the disillusionment:

Like so many other jobs in this wonderful society of ours, the basic function of the real estate agent is to increase the price of something without actually producing anything and as a result it has a lot to do with communication, terminology and calling a spade a delightfully bucolic colonial winner facing north and offering a unique opportunity to the handyman. But the main thing to master, of course, is the vernacular, and basically this works as follows.

There are three types of house:

"glorious commanding majestic split-level ultra-modern dream homes" that are built on cliff-faces

"private bush-clad inglenooks" that are built down holes; and

"very affordable solid family houses in much sought-after streets" that are old gun-emplacements with awnings

A "cottage" is a caravan with the wheels taken off.

"panoramic", "spectacular" or "magnificent" view is an indication that the house has windows and, if the view is "unique", there’s probably only one window.

I have here the perfect advertisement for a house, so we’ll go through it and I’ll point out some of the more interesting features. So here we go, mind the step.

"Owner transferred reluctantly instructs us to sell" means the house is for sale.

"Genuine reason for selling" means the house is for sale.

"Rarely can we offer" means the house is for sale.

"Superbly presented delightful charmer" doesn’t mean anything really but it’s probably still for sale.

"Most attractive immaculate home of character in prime dress-circle position" means that the thing that’s for sale is a house.

"Unusual design with interesting and intriguing solidly built stairs" means the stairs are in the wrong place.

"Huge spacious generous lounge commands this well-serviced executive residence" means the rest of the house is a rabbit warren with rooms like cupboards.

"Magnificent well-proportioned large convenient block with exquisite garden" means there’s no view but one of the trees had a flower on it the day we were up there.

"Privacy, taste, charm, space, freedom, quiet, away from it all location in much sought-after cul-de-sac situation" means it’s not only built down a hole, it’s built at the very far end of the hole.

"A must for you artists, sculptors and potters" means that only an idiot would consider actually living in it.

"2/3 bedrooms with possible in-law accommodation" means it’s got two bedrooms and a tool shed.

"Great buy", "ring early for this one", "inspection a must", "priced to sell", "new listing", "see this one now", "all offers considered", "good value", "be quick", "inspection by appointment", "view today", "this one can’t last", "sole agents", "today’s best buy" means the house is still for sale.

And if ever you see "investment opportunity" in the newspaper, turn away very quickly and have a crack at the crossword.

All of this is best read in a Kiwi accent while wearing gum boots, shorts, black singlet and bush hat. I'm now off to revist other past glories in the form of Death in Brunswick.