Help Required:

It is annual (!) appraisal time. I didn't go through this last year (or the year before) but it nevertheless to be referred to as the Annual Appraisal. I'm slightly puzzled, because when I was a school girl annual implied once per year. But I'm getting on a bit now, so possibly this confusion is just a by-product of that ageing process.

Any ho. I'm struggling so any assistance will be appreciated. (By the way you all flunked the history test, perhaps you'll find this easier as it relies more heavily on creativity and precision and accuracy are inherently non-obligatory - or that's the approach I'm advocating. Perhaps that's where I'm going wrong.)

The section of the form I'm working on is the Appraisal - Self Assessment part.

The first headline is Customer, and the first question is What have I done Well? which I've answered with - not killed even one of them. The second question is What could I improve? and I've put : obviously under the circumstances nothing. Finally, I'm asked my Objectives for this year? and I've set myself the objective of continuing not to kill or disable any customers, what ever the provocation (and get a new job).

I suspect these answers will be regarded as 'flippant'.

The second headline is People (though the guidance notes provide bullet point guidance for this such as attendance and standard of dress, so perhaps this is a sly Initiative Test), and the questions are the same. My answers are: (a) turned up reliably and disguised my contempt for the job and my colleagues, (b) do the above more ostentatiously, (c) convince everyone I both like and respect them (and get a new job).

The third headline is Finance which I'm to understand to mean accuracy, knowledge of policy and awareness of security. Hm. So far (the questions are the same) I've come up with (a) not nicked anything or knowingly over-charged anyone (b) continue not to nick anything and make burnt offerings to the gods* in the hope that some day soon will harmonise the prices on the shelf with the prices charged at the tills and (c) get a new job that pays me a decent wage (or publish something in the meantime).

Headline number four is Operations and that covers process and procedure : right now my answers are (a) worked out loads of shit all on my own because no fucker's been arsed to actually explain anything to me, (b) work out loads more shit all on my own, but not reveal this out of respect for the feelings of those who are paid more than me, and (c) come up with an escape plan that works, or if that fails take the next annual appraisal (in 2010?) less unseriously (promise).

I have a feeling my approach to this whole appraisal business won't go down well with Paper-Shuffler (-in-Chief). She loves her job and this might make her cry.